In this series on dialogue, I’ll cover several common mistakes that writers make in dialogue.  For a more thorough study on dialogue, I suggest picking up a copy of Gloria Kempton’s Write Great Fiction – Dialogue

In a previous post, I discussed the He Said, She Said Merry-go-round.

Today’s Topic:  Perfect English Syndrome

Okay.  Sometimes when you’re writing, do you hear your fourth grade English teacher’s voice in your head?  You know what you’re writing is not perfect.  Perhaps you cave to the voice and decide to remove all contractions from your dialogue.

WAIT!  Before you give into that voice, let’s look at the following example of the Perfect English Syndrome:

“I am serious.  You are going get hurt if you keep pursuing her,” Marcy said.

“I am not pursuing her.  I am just being friendly,” Kyle replied.

“I will bet.”

As she pulled to a stop behind his townhouse, she turned to face him.

“Please, listen.  Neither one of you is ready for the type of relationship you have in mind—”

“I do not have anything particular in mind.”

“You do.  It is written all over your face.  I am just saying that I think you have enough to deal with right now.  You are still going through a ton of physical therapy.  You are still grieving.  You still have to deal with what it means to have a role in your daughter’s life.  You are just getting familiar with a new job.  I think that is plenty for now, do not you?”

Gross.  No, really.  This is just gross.  Even though the conversation was written in 2011, it sounds like it is crossed between 1811 and 2011.  The lack of contractions feels very stiff and off putting.

Now, let’s look at a less-than-perfect-English, but much-better-flowing example:

“I’m serious.  You’re gonna get hurt if you keep pursuing her,” Marcy said.

“I’m not pursuing her.  I’m just being friendly,” Kyle replied

“I’ll bet.”

As she pulled to a stop behind his townhouse, she turned to face him.

“Please, listen.  Neither one of you is ready for the type of relationship you have in mind—”

“I don’t have anything particular in mind.”

“You do.  It’s written all over your face.  I’m just saying that I think you have enough to deal with right now.  You are still going through a ton of physical therapy.  You’re still grieving.  You still have to deal with what it means to have a role in your daughter’s life.  And you’re just getting familiar with a new job.  I think that’s plenty for now, don’t you?”

See contractions aren’t so bad, are they?  The second example flows much better.

I hope this has encouraged you to use less-than-perfect English in your dialogue.

How would you rewrite the example?  Please leave a comment below.

Like what you’ve read?  Leave a comment below or email Karen at info(at)karenbaney(dot)com or check out her books on her Amazon Page.

In this series on dialogue, I’ll cover several common mistakes that writers make in dialogue.  For a more thorough study on dialogue, I suggest picking up a copy of Gloria Kempton’s Write Great Fiction – Dialogue
In a previous post, I discussed the Unspoken Interjections.

Today’s Topic:  He Said, She Said Merry-go-round

We’ve all seen it—dialogue that lacks luster because of a “he said, she said merry-go-round” issue.  Let’s take a look at the following example:

“Niki!  Get up!” Kyle exclaimed.

“What time is it?” Niki asked.

“It’s after seven,” he said.

“Shoot!” she exclaimed.  “Can you grab me a cup of coffee?”

He said, “Got it right here.  It’s the perfect shade of tan—just the way you like it.”

“Thanks.  You’re the best,” Niki said.

Oooo.  I totally cringed as I wrote this.  The thing that gets annoying to the reader is the over use of tags.  First, we don’t need the first “Niki asked” because Kyle already used her name.  Then, we don’t need each and every line of dialogue identified, especially when the conversation is bouncing between two people.  It may be necessary to tag the dialogue if the scene involves more people, but that is a judgment call for the author.

Here’s an example of the above dialogue cleaned up:

“Niki!  Get up!” Kyle exclaimed.

“What time is it?”

“It’s after seven.”

“Shoot! Can you grab me a cup of coffee?”

“Got it right here,” he said.  “It’s the perfect shade of tan—just the way you like it.”

“Thanks.  You’re the best.”

In this cleaner example, I removed several of the unnecessary tags.  It flows better, helps the pace move faster, and the reader can still keep up with who said what.   As a general rule, I don’t like to go more than a few volleys before adding a tag back in.  This helps the reader stay on track with who is speaking.  (As a reader, I’ve found that I get lost after two or three volleys.)

I hope this example helps you find more balance in your dialogue by getting off the “he said, she said” merry-go-round.

Would you write this example differently?  If so, please leave a comment.

In my next post, I’ll discuss the Perfect English Syndrome.

Like what you’ve read?  Leave a comment below or email Karen at info(at)karenbaney(dot)com or check out her books on her Amazon Page.